What’s your Parenting Style?

Laverne Parenting 0 Comment
What’s your Parenting Style?

Children have been entrusted to us and it’s a huge responsibility. I often think that having children should require a lot more preparation and training on our part. Before we’re ever allowed to bring children into this world we should understand how we’re going to raise them and how it will affect them later in life. Best of all would be if we had all worked through our own childhood baggage before becoming parents ourselves. Of course, that would be a perfect world but the reality is that we are all learning on the job. Learning takes time and it requires the courage to say, “Stop! Hold up! Wait a minute!” when we realise that change is needed. It’s perfectly okay to admit that your way may not be the right way and put in the work to become a better parent. I think most parents are worried about whether they’re doing a good job but it shouldn’t stop there. In order to grow as parents we need to be willing to read and consult with others.

A few years ago I had no idea what gentle parenting was or how it worked. I don’t recall anyone mentioning it to me or reading many blogs or books on the topic. However, as we were raising our kids I just knew that I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to meet my children on their level. I wanted them to speak freely and honestly with me about my flaws and challenges in our relationship. I didn’t want to use physical punishments to get my children to listen to me. I didn’t want to raise my voice. I wanted to pull them in closely and ask them what was going on and how I could help. It turns out that I was leaning towards a gentle parenting approach before I even knew what it was. I knew that it wasn’t good enough to say that we do things simply because it’s the way we were raised. I wanted to find another path for connection and mutual trust. I’ve made plenty mistakes on the way but it hasn’t stopped me from dusting myself off and trying again.

So, before I go too far… Gentle Parenting is a parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. I’m not an expert and I’m learning every single day but there are so many great blogs and websites to learn from as you lean into this approach. It’s not an easy approach but I’ve found many benefits and pleasures raising our children this way. Gentle parenting has lead us down the path of connection and trust. My children are more willing to share their thoughts, feelings, disappointments and temptations with us without the fear of being reprimanded or punished. We apologise when we don’t get something right so they’ve learned that none of us are perfect and that there is always room for restoration and reconciliation. It has been life changing and freeing and I think it helps children to really develop their own convictions rather than living up to the expectations of parents. We don’t sweat the small stuff and honestly, most of it is small stuff when you’re trying raise children who know that they are loved and accepted. Full stop!

We are on the brink of the teenage years and I have no idea what that’s going to be like, as always, I’ll be learning on the job. However, I sincerely hope that the foundations we’ve laid will help us to navigate the challenges and triumphs of transitioning from one stage to the next.

If you’d like to know about more resources on gentle parenting, please reach out and I’ll be happy to share! We are all learning and growing together. I don’t think it ever stops!

A new beginning is around the corner from your comfort zone

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A new beginning is around the corner from your comfort zone

When was the last time you tried something new? I mean, something completely out of your comfort zone. It can be so daunting at first but I’ve discovered, quite accidentally, that something really wonderful could be waiting for you around the corner from your comfort zone. On the other side of fear. On the other side of assumptions. A new beginning could be just waiting to meet you. A new beginning that could make you wonder why you took so long to make a move, make a change. A new beginning that could change your outlook on life and take you on a journey you’ve never imagined.

Okay, by now you’re wondering what I’m rambling about. What was this new beginning for me? Wait for it… A FITNESS JOURNEY! Oh my goodness, in all my wildest dreams I could have never seen myself as a gym person. It just never appealed to me. I didn’t get it at all, really. In May 2021, my friend and I decided to visit a class at our local gym to join a trial week of training. It was so daunting at first. I filled in a short form when I entered about my exercise history and my goals. Basically, besides the odd leisurely walk, I hadn’t exercised since I was in school. It had been a long time since I was challenged physically. I had an average weight that I worked with before and after having my 3 babies but all the lockdown treats and lounging around in 2020 had me heavier than I was used to, so I had quite a few kilograms to drop. Well, after the trial week, I haven’t looked back. I’ve been at the gym ever since, 5 days a week.

The fitness classes were so difficult at first and although the aches and pains don’t ever really go away, I’m absolutely amazed at how much stronger I am now. The classes involve high intensity interval training and weight lifting. Say what? Until last year I didn’t know anything about this and now, according to my husband, it’s the only thing I talk about. I think I just love watching myself being pushed to my limit and always getting better, not only physically but I think it’s done a lot for me mentally as well. I now watch a million instagram videos of girls lifting weights! What? And I dream of climbing ropes and doing hand stand push ups. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. Anyway, I better stop because my mom blog is turning into a fitness blog 🙂

My new beginning has been the gym! However, it could be something else for you. It could be anything really. Fitness. A book club. Building computers. Working at a homeless shelter. We are often drawn towards our obvious interests or passions but just imagine if each year we would dare ourselves to try something new. Something that isn’t you at all but would be so good for you. Forget the fear. Forget the comfortable and get out there to challenge yourself. Honestly, my only regret on my fitness journey is that I didn’t start earlier and that I don’t get to tell my Mom about it!

So switch off Netflix! Get off the couch! Find your new beginning!

 

Just be there!

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Just be there!

The early years of mothering were filled with nurturing and celebrating each little milestone. There was unspeakable joy and feeling overwhelmed by the simplest of things. They tell me that there were plenty sleepless nights too but I can’t really remember those anymore. It seems many moons ago when I would worry about weaning my babies and making sure they eat a well balanced diet. Those days were long but they seem to have passed by quite quickly. My children did become upset but it was nothing that a little singing, hugs and kisses and a treat couldn’t fix. We were in the thick of it then but when I look back now, those were the easy days. The days when I felt we could always find the right answers.

I find that these days I really can’t be sure that we’re doing the right thing. It’s hard to find the balance between doing too much and doing too little. Allowing space for mistakes and independence and growing versus being there to break every fall. Sometimes I desperately want to stop a disaster before it happens but then my children would never learn about choice making and consequences and they’ll always be dependable. While I would do anything to avoid disappointment and pain for them, it’s simply impossible and completely unhelpful for them. I’ve had to learn that life is full of uncertainties and heartbreak and the only way to get through it is by getting over the little hurdles to build strength and endurance for the bigger hurdles.

The little days were filled with scrapes on knees and cuts on fingers but these bigger days have revealed heart aches and disappointments. The latter are definitely more challenging because there’s no bandage for the heart. I find that I carry my challenges and the challenges of my children. However, in the midst of trying to equip my children to do hard things and recover from setbacks; our world is still filled with unspeakable joy and adventure. We can have real conversations about the difficult days and support each other to overcome them, while preparing and enjoying our favourite meals together. Or reading silently side by side.

I know that many uphills still await my children because such is life and parenting is a life sentence. We’re in it for the long haul but I wouldn’t want it any other way. We may not be able to pull strings and fix everything from this point on but we can always be there. Being a big kid mom is hard and beautiful and confusing and uncertain but it’s taught me the power of being in the moment and just being there. Now I know that motherhood has never been about having all the answers but being available on the good and bad days. As long as my children know that my door is always open and a burden shared is a burden halved, then I can be very proud of our efforts as parents.

For better, for worse…

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For better, for worse…

…To have and to hold from this day forward,

for better, for worse,

for richer or for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish,

’til death do us part!

 

Wow!!! These are strong promises! I can confidently say that I did not understand the magnitude of these words when I said them over 10 years ago. I don’t think they’re the kind of words that you understand merely by uttering them. They are words that are grasped through a lived experience. To choose your spouse over and over, each day, in the midst of the challenges that life throws your way.

We have seen better and we have seen worse. The better is amazing and I love making beautiful memories that are forever etched on our hearts. Then there is the worse. No one wants those days. But my goodness, nothing knits two hearts together like going through the valley. Experiencing tough times and holding on tight to each other through the storm. These moments solidify forever more than happy days at the beach ever could.

We have seen richer and we have seen poorer. We know what it’s like to have plenty and we know what it’s like to have a little. The days of plenty are wonderful because they are free of worry and you are free to enjoy more together. The days of little or struggling to make ends meet are tough. They cause a lot of strain but the beauty is that they show you who you’re working with. You learn that as long as you stick together and make the necessary sacrifices, you will emerge from the suffering. The poorer days taught me that we could manage with very little, not enough sometimes, and still find peace and joy in each other’s arms.

We have seen sickness and we have seen health. They say that when you become sick you realise how much you took the healthy days for granted. We are grateful for good health. But the few times when we have encountered sickness I learned that I was walking with someone who could take care of me at my lowest point. To love me through the pain and the ugly moaning. Sickness taught us that we have staying power.

The good has been great. The bad has helped us to say “I will truly cherish you and we will be together until death do us part.” When I was that young 22 year old standing at the alter I would have never imagined that marriage could teach me so much. Wasn’t it just supposed to make me happy? No… Marriage was God’s great design and I’m so blessed to experience it everyday. But God always has a plan much bigger than the one we have for ourselves. Marriage is much more than happiness. It’s about each of us sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron. It’s about learning love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. It’s all for our growth and His glory.

P.s. I love my husband so much and I’m so glad to walk through the rocky path of life with him.

 

Mothering without a Mother

Laverne Getting Personal, Parenting 0 Comment
Mothering without a Mother

I hadn’t really given much thought to what it may be like for mothers who don’t have their own mothers with them on the journey of mothering. I hadn’t really thought about how difficult it may be to navigate without a lighthouse; your own mother. My mother was with me from the very first moment that I knew I would be a mother. It was unexpected but she was there. She was making dry toast and tea for me and telling me that I was going to be a wonderful mother. She was with me on the day I went into labour and accompanied me to the hospital. She looked after me and taught me the ins and outs about taking care of a newborn baby. She was there. Doing the bathing and feeding and serving us breakfast in bed. And it was only the beginning of her deep and unconditional love for my children.

She loved my children as though they were her own. She prayed for them and cared for them and followed up on their progress in all aspects of their lives. She beamed with pride when they excelled and held their hands (and mine) when they failed. I felt secure as a mother because I had her with me. She was ever ready with a word of advice and encouragement. She told me often that she was proud of me as a mother. As I grew as a mother, I appreciated her more as my mother. I began to understand the depth of her sacrifices and her love. I knew how much she loved me and how she kept me in her heart at all times.

And then one day she was gone; with little notice. Then I realised that until that point I didn’t really feel like I needed to be a ‘real’ adult because I had her backing me all the time. She had always been a message or a call away. I needed her. I needed my mother for the little things and the big things. I had children of my own but I was still her little girl. She called me her baby. I had the backing of a lioness. The person who loved me even when I didn’t believe I was lovable. The person who saw through every mistake I made and was still able to call me good.

They say you never really know what you’ve got until it’s gone. But I knew what I had. I just didn’t take the time to imagine what it would be like when she was gone. I hold all the lessons she taught me safely in my heart and often think ‘what would Rosie say?’ I think of the women who have never known the love of a mother or who don’t have their mothers around when they become mothers too. I understand now that it’s a hard road to walk and I say a prayer for them. I pray that they will be surrounded by women in their lives who help to fill the gap. To offer advice, encouragement and love. I am looking forward to the opportunities in my life when I will get to be a surrogate grandmother; especially for the children of a certain someone who is very special to me.

Growing Old Together

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They’ve always been together
From the very first moment I opened my eyes
I never saw one without the other
Their mere existence proclaimed true love

When they laughed we laughed
When they kissed we felt butterflies
When they spoke we listened in awe
They were a light in the dark world

Their love told many that forever was possible
That you could love with your whole heart
And be loved in return, completely
You could be appreciated everyday

And then one day, she was gone
She left without saying goodbye
We lost our mother, an inexplicable pain
But he lost the love of his life

What happened to forever?
Growing old together would never be
Everyday would be a reminder that she had left
And nothing would feel quite the same

The days became longer and the nights darker
The tears rolled faster
The laughter became softer
There was an emptiness that could not be filled

Fifty years had gone by so quickly
Their love story had been interrupted
All he has left are memories
And hope to one day be reunited

The Unseen Enemy

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The Unseen Enemy

It started as a distant story. We were not too sure what to make of it but we didn’t have to worry because it was really far away. We heard the stories and we watched the numbers climb. But still, they were only numbers. A nightmare that belonged to a land many miles away. But slowly, it started to spread. It was an invisible enemy that kept weaving its way into peoples’ lives. We watched helplessly as it came closer and closer. It came to steal our togetherness. It kept us apart. It made our hearts yearn to be reunited. We were warned that it was deadly and we should take our precautions. Many still found time for jokes and conspiracy theories. “It’s not real. How can it be? We don’t know anyone who has been infected with it.” Some knew of infections but they told us it was just a little worse than the flu. It continued to spread and we couldn’t see it so it was hard for us to fight back. 

The unseen enemy met us at our door. He was uninvited and he didn’t announce his arrival. We didn’t know he was there but he had come to wreak havoc. It entered their bodies but they didn’t know it. They became tired and battled headaches. They lost their appetites and they were too weak to get out of bed. There had been no symptoms only days before but suddenly breathing became too difficult. And then, it was confirmed, Covid-19 had arrived. But still, hope kept everyone strong. “It has been beaten before, perhaps we can beat it as well.” We didn’t know that the enemy had mutated. Each day felt like ten. The minutes dragged on and we clung to every piece of information. No visiting. No hugging. Only brief conversations over the phone. The separation was as tragic as the disease. This enemy moves so fast. It’s difficult to predict his next move. In one moment you’re told “They’re stable. Keep praying.” And then there’s silence. Sedation. Intubation. We’re depending on machines to keep the lungs going. Perhaps this is what they need to pull through or maybe the disease just keeps spreading. Stealing more life every minute. Silence.


The silence is followed by screams. The trap door opened and we fell into an abyss of agony, anger and disbelief. It’s like no pain you’ve ever known before. You saw them happy, alive and well in one moment and the next you’re told it’s all over. No goodbyes. Just silence. It’s over and there isn’t a thing you can do to turn back the hands of time. One last phone call. One last hug. One last I love you. You won’t get any of it. You won’t be able to hold them one more time. You’re not allowed to touch them. You’ll say a distant goodbye and know that each day you live from now on will bring you closer to the day you’ll meet them once again.


It’s not a just distant story and they’re not just numbers. They’re names. The names of the people we love. We will cry everyday and wish that the unseen enemy did not exist.
But, we will not mourn as those who do not have hope. For we know that one day we will be reunited in Heaven. No more pain. Only joy!

My Mother! The Legend!

Laverne Parenting 16 Comments
My Mother! The Legend!

My Mother! The Legend!

It’s not possible to write about my mother in one simple blog post. She was too magnificent to fit in these few lines and no matter how much I write; I simply couldn’t do justice for the big life she lived. My mother lived life to the fullest. She loved hard and she forgave hard too. She had a hearty laugh and hugs that could make you feel secure and loved all at once. She listened well and was always ready to offer an encouraging word. She was ever ready to give a lesson about life’s many challenges and she never kept her knowledge and experiences to herself. She was always able to look for the silver lining in life and encouraged me to do the same. She believed that every disappointment and heartache in life could be used by God to grow you and bring you closer to God too. Nothing was wasted with her. No matter how painful.

My mother paid attention to every little detail of my life. I would mention something in passing and she would hold onto it. Coming back to the topic time and time again to see how I was getting on. It didn’t seem like a chore to her at all. She was genuinely interested and invested in my well being. The best part about this quality is that it wasn’t something reserved for just me. She had a big heart and she could fit many people in it; making everyone feel as if they were the most important person to her.

My mother loved to read. The whole house was filled with books and she would would read many books at the same time. Not just any books. They were all Christian teaching books; mostly on loving and serving God wholeheartedly. She didn’t spend time reading, singing or praying to try to get some special favour from God; or to look good to others. She did it because she genuinely loved God with all her heart, mind and soul. Nothing was ever too much for God. Christianity wasn’t her religion, it was the essence of who she was as she was always in communion with God. It always amazed me to watch her yearn for complete intimacy with God; not on one day but for all the days I knew her.

My mother was a remarkable cook. She could whip up delicious meals with very little effort. She struggled to hand out recipes because she cooked from her heart, not paying attention to measurements and singing as she went along. She never ever tasted her food while she cooked but it was perfect every time. She would spoil us with our favourite meals and one of my best childhood memories was that we could choose the menu on our birthdays. It was one of the best gifts. Of course every meal was to be eaten at the table together because ‘time spent with family was one of life’s greatest blessings’, my mother would always say.

My mother was the epitome of an amazing wife. She loved my father completely, never holding back; and the best part was that he did the same. They have been inseparable over the years. They would enjoy breakfast together every Tuesday and scream at the TV while cheering for Liverpool FC. You’ve never seen a couple who had more in common and who ebbed and flowed perfectly in everything. They were the dream team. I am eternally grateful to have grown up in a home where love was the order of everyday, arguments were never heard and joy and peace were in abundance. 

My mother was a complete lady. She loved flowers. She believed in dressing up and showing up every time. She enjoyed shopping for clothes, bags and shoes; doing her make-up meticulously and always wearing shoes with a heel. She was beautiful. She was lovely. But most importantly, her beauty from within – a gift from God – was what really made her shine and drew everyone close to her.

There are so many beautiful things to say about my mother. She was everything I could have hoped for and more. I am truly honoured and grateful to be her daughter. She left this world so suddenly and the circumstances of her death will always make me cry and whisper, “It’s not fair. I’m not done loving you. I still need you.” She gave me so many beautiful memories and lessons and that’s what I have to hold onto until I can embrace her again. I’ve always smiled at the thought of being ‘Baby Rose’ but now it means so much more to me. So while I decorate our home with her photos and her tea-sets, wear her perfume and snuggle up in her gown at night, and buy flowers every Tuesday as she did… I know that although these things may bring me comfort and allow me to feel her close to me once more; these are only little things on my journey of healing. What would matter most to my mom is that I keep God at the centre of all I do, yearn for intimacy with Him and live for eternity; just as she did. My mother lived with eternity in mind everyday and her sudden passing has reminded me that this world is not my home. While we may enjoy family and many pleasures that this world has to offer, there is so much more waiting for us in Heaven. No pain, only joy and a forever reunion with our loved ones. May my mother’s legacy of loving God and keeping Him first live on in everyone who had the privilege of knowing and loving her. 

 

The Wave of Light

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The Wave of Light

Today is the International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We remember the babies born sleeping, those we carried but never held, those we held but could not take home, those who came home but could not stay. We remember my son, Christian Elijah Scheepers.

The journey to healing after the loss of an infant is a long and winding road. The early days after loss were by far the worst days I have ever lived through. The pain and feeling of hopelessness is excruciating. People may sit with you, hold your hand; but you must travel the road alone. The pain never really leaves you. The what ifs… and why us? stay with you. People can’t understand why you need to grieve for so long but they don’t understand that they are fortunate to not understand your experience.

It has been almost 4 long years since my son was born and died shortly after. While I do not grieve the way I did in the beginning; I hold my son in my heart everyday. I think of him everyday. I don’t cry but I wonder what life would be like if he was here. I wonder what he’s doing now. I dream about the day I will hold him again. I also celebrate… I celebrate that we have hope to meet again one day because this life is not the end. We have something more beautiful waiting for us beyond the clouds. Heaven!

Please join us at 7pm, in all time zones for the WAVE OF LIGHT in remembrance of our little babies. Burn a candle for at least one hour and remember all the little angels who stayed with us for just a little while but changed us forever.

It isn’t the fairytale that keeps you

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We fell in love a long time ago and it was the stuff of fairytales. Fancy dinners, movie dates and strolls along the beach. Endless gifts and stolen kisses; and it seemed this was the perfect recipe for happily ever after. Butterflies in my tummy and daydreaming constantly. I had found my soul mate with very little searching and I was ready for a life of dreams and adventures.

Life’s challenges appeared as they always do and I realised that the stuff of fairytales wasn’t enough to guarantee happily ever after. Instead it was daily intentional love, care and sacrifice. Our faith and commitment to each other was what brought us through the most difficult of days. No matter what heartache came, we could rest in each other’s arms and find comfort and a warm smile to keep waddling along.

We have been married for ten years and I can honestly say that every day I fall deeper in love with my husband. It isn’t the fancy dinners, movie dates or strolls along the beach that keeps our love burning. It’s the shared cuppa in bed at the end of a long day, it’s the listening ear to every little detail of your day and the long chats while cooking and doing the dishes. It’s watching my husband father our children and thanking God every day for a partner who is with me through the adventure of parenthood. Someone who is with me 100% through all the joys, the pains and the mundane daily tasks. It’s knowing that my children have a father to play games with them and have them weak with belly laughs; but also having the hard talks with them and disciplining them in love. It’s knowing that I have someone who knows me completely and loves me completely, still!

So… when you search for your happily ever after; my advice is to find someone who has staying power. Someone who will love you and support you through the good, the bad and the ugly. Find someone who will be good to you and stick with you in all the phases of life. Whether it be fun adventures, changing diapers or giving talks to your children about the birds and the bees. Find someone who values you, values family and values forever!